So, to continue the previous story... i think it was clear then, in my country the first child has to bear a responsibility to give his/her parents grandchild... actually my father does not really mind about my decision, he likes it better if i am concentrated more on my studying or my career... he raised me that way anyway.... but my mother is just like typical of ordinary mothers who always want me to marry someone, have some kids, so that she can boast about it to her family and friends... but i somehow feel like i have been a mother in some ways.... i have a younger brother and sister, but i would tell you about my lil sister....so she was born when i was 13 yo... and that is the most joyfull moment in my life! I have ever had a lil brother, but it felt different when i see my lil baby sister for the first time! She was sooooo small, so fragile... she has beautiful eyes, tiny nose and wonderfully smooth skin and hair...she smiles a lot, and it is so rare to hear her crying voice when she was a baby.... unlike when my brother was a baby, this time me mom allowed me to lift the baby girl.... and thats what i always do every day, even days in school got boring, cz i cant wait to come home to play with my sister... i heard her first word, and it is pretty weird when other babies start their word with "ma", she started it with "nggih", i watched her first step, and it was enchanting more than anything, when she was 1  or 2 yo, she started to have a weird habit, she wont sleep unless i lifted and sang for her for 2 hours! And that habit went on until she was 3 yo. But strangely, i never felt tired of it... i love her so dearly, even when she was 4 yo, i always told her some folktale on her bed... to me having a tiny angel like her feels like having my own daughter.... i love kids, i have this dream since i was in junior high school, i want to have an orphanage, that is what i really want, instead of thinking about marriage....
Because i have witnessed the bad side of man, i know some good women that are left by their men only because they have found more attractive women... i know how hard these women face their life, taking care of their children alone, and the truth that they have sacrificed her dreams, passion in job or education, some even have to undergo their family rejection only to marry those evil men...
When their men can enjoy their life with their new women, the mothers cant even go out to look of other men, cz whenever they put on make up, it is either they felt sad of the nostalgic feeling when they wore those make up for their ex hubby or the treachery feeling to leave their children alone at home, so that they do not even try to look for new love but rather work hard to support their children....
That is so tragic i think,women were made to be protected,they were originally soft and weak, how could the stronger one ever did that to them... i perhaps will tell the true ironic story about it later on the next post...

a common thing, they say: marriage

This writing pops out of my mind during a hubbub moment in a dark night in my room... It is not a weird thing to talk about marriage in my age. 24 is not young anymore.. I even ever have a dream to marry before i turn into 25 yo. But until now, i haven't found anyone suit my type or even close to my parents' approval... It is not like i am lonely or feeling intimidated by random pictures of my friend posing with their babies in fb or bbm, not at all, i mean it! Well, I will try to pour out this matter less emotionally. So, it was a day when my grandpa got sick in the hospital and dreadfully i was away in other island. I was doing my job taking care of my students, i thought i was going to visit my grandpa in the holiday season, 2 months later.... In my mind I had a plan to buy a couple native clothes for my grandparents and show them the money i got from that job. Out of my expectation, my grandpa's condition was going worse, when they told me about it i was in the same island but different province, coaching for debate championship... It is just about 8 hours if i ever wanted to go to my grandpa's hospital, or just an hour via plane. But it was a very difficult condition, my team proceeded to final and one of our best speaker just lost her grandma a night before the final and i comforted her, and helped her to focus on the final. I have a responsibility to make sure those babies got into their home safely after the championship... And at 10 o'clock, we arrived to our boarding house and not long after, my phone rang to inform me that my grandpa passed away.... It was too close if i chose to go back to Jogja, where my grandpa lied on the hospital, at least I could have seen him for the very last time and apologized for all mistake i made, for never been around him to listen to his story of life, for never cheered him up after hardworks he did on the rice field... A lot of things i regreted that time, as a consequence of my responsibility to my previous job that put me into this dilemma. And eventually i got a ticket home 6 hours later. I tried my best not to cry, but of course that would be impossible, moreover after my grandma hugged me so tight ans cried. She told me that even in my grandpa's last moment he was thinking of me, she told me that he said he would do his best so that he can stand with her witnessing my marriage, to see their grandgrand children... My heart was broken then, they really care of me and this long i was just messing around... I actually not their 1st grand daughter, they have a grand daughter 4 months older than me, that isn't married yet either, but they always think about me, but they always care of me, and i haven't treated them well enough..... The story is still very long, let's save it for next post...